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Nick Saban Sayings
(Idea based on Chuck Norris sayings)

In case you have ever wondered about Alabama's Coach Saban, here is a collection of proven facts about Nick Saban's amazing life. This is his official biography. Special thanks to my fellow members at the Bama Online Message Forums who helped confirm and report these historical events and facts.

  1. There is no depth chart, only a list of players Coach Saban allows to be on the team.
  2. Nick Saban can touch MC Hammer.
  3. Nick Saban is what Willis was talking about.
  4. Coach Saban's sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
  5. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Coach Saban pajamas.
  6. Coach Saban washes his hair with acid and rinses with jet fuel.
  7. Guess who Luke Skywalker's REAL father is...
  8. Coach Saban outran Seabiscut.
  9. Coach Saban found Bigfoot and now has him cleaning his pool.
  10. Coach Saban uses metal shavings to clean his contacts.
  11. Coach Saban thinks Chuck Lidell is effeminant.
  12. Nick Saban was not born, he merely shed a woman.
  13. Nick Saban can speak braille.
  14. Coach Saban was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  15. Coach Saban can slam revolving doors.
  16. It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Coach Saban can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
  17. Coach Saban wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
  18. There is no "survival of the fitest," only a list of creatures Coach Saban allows to live.
  19. The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Coach Saban."
  20. Coach Saban was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wear a parachute when jumping from the plane.
  21. Coach Saban beat Ray Charles in a staring contest.
  22. The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Coach Saban. The NCAA and ALABAMA omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival Schools could make their own Nick Saban.
  23. To know all the animals coach Saban does not like just look at the extinction list.
  24. Coach Saban lost both his legs in a car accident and still managed to walk it off.
  25. Crop circles are just Coach Saban's way of telling people that sometimes corn just needs to lie down!!
  26. Coach Saban does not recruit, he permits.
  27. Coach Saban donates layers of his skin to the military to make bullet proof vests.
  28. Nick Saban has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
  29. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Nick Saban to die before they attack. They've been waiting for thousands of years.
  30. Sabans tears cure cancer.... Too bad he has never cried.
  31. Nick Saban doesn't read books, he just stares them down till they give him the information he wants.

  32. When Nick Saban has surgery the anathesia is administered to the doctors.
  33. The boogeyman checks his closet for Nick Saban.
  34. Nick Saban invented the cesarean section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mothers womb.
  35. Nick Saban gave Mona Lisa that smile.
  36. Nick Saban once asked for a Big Mac at Burger King...and he got one.
  37. Nick Saban has two speeds. Walk and kill.
  38. The "Monster Package" defense was actually named in honor of Nick Saban's genitalia.
  39. They once made a Nick Saban toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.
  40. Nick Saban is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  41. When Coach Saban jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet, the water gets Saban.
  42. Coach Saban can divide by zero.
  43. When Saban coughs a Tsunami is born.
  44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Coach Saban could use to kill you, including the room itself.
  45. Coach Saban does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge Coach Saban.
  46. The only reason tanks go so slowly is they're looking nervously around for Coach Saban.
  47. Coach Saban only kicks you into next week so that he can kick you again. Harder.
  48. It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Coach Saban because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.
  49. Coach Saban is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  50. Coach Saban killed Kenny...for good.
  51. Coach Saban is true for all values of x.
  52. Coach Saban can find the square root of the color yellow, without using a prism or a diagram of the visible light spectrum.
  53. When Coach Saban does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the earth down.
  54. Coach Saban is the only known being to defy the Time Paradox by going back in time and killing himself. (Note the current Coach Saban says this does not mean he can be beaten.)
  55. When Coach Saban busts you in the face, his fist is moving faster than the speed of light; this means that while it may appear that he has taken .01 seconds to smack you to the outside observer, you were already dead at -3 seconds.
  56. Coach Saban=MC²
  57. Coach Saban counted to infinity. And then back down to negative infinity. Twice.
  58. Newton's Fourth Law is Coach Saban. "An object at motion will stay at motion, unless it meets Coach Saban".
  59. Coach Saban can score a goal while in the penalty box.
  60. When Coach Saban talks everyone in the world listens. Including people who are deaf.
  61. Coach Saban doesn't age; another year gets added to his existence, which sucks for Auburn.
  62. Coach Saban can burn an ant with a magnifying glass....AT NIGHT! (also, he doesn't really use the magnafying glass)
  63. Coach Saban doesn't sleep. He waits.
  64. Coach Saban and Chuck Norris walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome power cannot be contained in one building.
  65. It is said that looking into Coach Saban's eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, all those who get that close have exactly the same future.
  66. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Coach Saban. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Coach Saban.
  67. When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. However, when the Hulk gets even more livid, he turns into Coach Saban.
  68. Coach Saban doesn’t wear a watch, he DECIDES what time it is.
  69. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Coach Saban.
  70. If you work in an office with Coach Saban, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
  71. Coach Saban's bedroom is always brightly lit. No, it's not because he fears the dark, it's because the dark fears Coach Saban.
  72. Coach Saban can bite his own elbow.
  73. On his birthday, Coach Saban blows out his candles by blinking.
  74. Coach Saban can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
  75. Coach Saban CAN believe it's not butter!
  76. Coach Saban knows exactly where Carmen San Diego is.
  77. If you fail to capitalize coach saban, he will kill you so fast you w--
  78. The Guinness Book of World Records has a disclaimer in the end stating that all the records actually belong to Coach Saban, and the records listed are just the ones that came closest.
  79. You can find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. But when Coach Saban has taken the gold, you will probably only find corpses of leprechauns.
  80. In space, nobody can hear you scream...except Coach Saban.
  81. Coach Saban doesn't shave. Instead, he raises his fist and the hairs know to back the heck up.
  82. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Coach Saban.
  83. Coach Saban let the dogs out.
  84. Bloody Mary is afraid of facing a mirror and repeating "Coach Saban" three times.
  85. Why was 10 afraid of 7? It was because 7 is friends with Coach Saban.
  86. I once sent my Chihuahua to be trained by Coach Saban. It came back a Doberman. Sent the Doberman back, it came back a mountain lion. When I sent the lion back, Coach Saban came back with a T Rex hide, saying, "Sorry, but it tried to eat me."
  87. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Coach Saban IS "fear itself."
  88. Nick Saban's cable service has never gone out, EVER.
  89. Coach Saban once shot down an airplane by pointing his finger at it and saying, "Bang!"
  90. Coach Saban once impregnated a woman by pointing at her and saying, "Booyah!"
  91. When Coach Saban plays Monopoly, it actually affects the world economy.
  92. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Coach Saban. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  93. Coach Saban's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Coach Saban.
  94. In a fight between Spider-Man and Darth Vader, the winner would be Coach Saban.
  95. Coach Saban owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno, and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
  96. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Coach Saban.
  97. Coach Nick Saban is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  98. The greatest cover up of this century is that Hitler didn’t actually commit suicide in his bunker. He was in fact teabagged to death by Coach Saban.
  99. The batcave is actually where batman stays until Coach Saban gives him persmission to come out.
  100. The reason that the Weeping Willow tree is weeping is because it's not Nick Saban.

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